Would that Death had taken me
by Corrinth
Summary: The tired thoughts of a character who has a simple enough regret about the birth of the Guardians of Destiny that she did not die. A tough piece to write, and a somewhat extreme echo of my own thoughts.


Disclaimer : I own none of this; Vixen belongs these days to no one but herself.

A/N : The tired rantings of a character who has been put through too much, and an echo of my own.

**Would That Death Had Taken Me **

_Would that Death had taken me…_

_I lay alone, a grey wolf past her prime, the blonde highlights of my chest and muzzle obscured by dried blood, only some of it my own, and by dirt, the combination matting and crusting my fur. My tongue lolls from my mouth; trying to catch the rain that falls to quench the thirst they have driven me to. Breath is short and fast, I can almost feel my eyes glazing over with the effort of simply staying alive. Now bereft of all packs, I lay, exhausted, frozen, both outside and within, recalling all that is, all that once was, and all that might have been if I had not fulfilled my destiny. If I had not become all that I am now… a dying shell, nothing more than an echo of all that I had once been… Would that Death had taken me so that I might never have no the shame of that thought._

_Would that Death had taken me…_

_They were beautiful that day, my Guardians… As the power that threatened to overwhelm me flowed from me to them, they rose up, beautiful and handsome, shining with the gift I had bestowed upon them; the gift of our destiny… and my life. I gave everything I had for them, or at least I had been expecting to, and I had no regrets that day. But then, I felt not the weariness that now eats at my bones; indeed it gnaws at my very soul… I did not feel the emptiness that now threatens to destroy me when they embraced their power and in doing so carelessly turned their backs on me. They revelled in their new found strengths; Scott in his ability to use his eyes, Jean floating with the surge of her telekinetic powers, Storm rising with the winds she created, Golan making the very earth tremble beneath their feet, my Logan roaring with his strength and speed, Bobby turning his entire body to ice and riding a path of ice about the temples Great Hall and Blaze, who had ever been my truest friend, as scorching hot and transparent as Bobby was frozen and solid. They forgot me, all of them, until their hearts realised that a piece of them was missing… I sigh within myself,for how can I blame them? Would that Death had taken me so that I might never have known the love that they gave me, nor hurt they have caused._

_Would that Death had taken me…_

_I wonder sometimes if I made the right decision that day, or if I even had a choice to make… I had cast myself from their pack, giving them all I had save the breath in my now wolf-shaped body, and yet left feeling that it would never be enough. They had thought that I was strong… so strong as to be indestructible, but that in itself was a lie. So much I had lost in my life, too much to let myself think about as I lay dying in the mud, thatthose walls were all a sham. Always I appeared so together, but in reality I was completely broken up inside. Life is simpler these days, with my wolf's body, life and philosophies. I focus on the here and now, the simple tasks of feeding myself, working from one day to the next to survive… right now those tasks are as simple as my heart beating, my lungs dragging in another breath. But what other choice was there, save to give upthe life I had known before? The power that had been bestowed upon me, the power that had consumed and invaded me, would have been my destruction, just as the Phoenix came so close to destroying Jean. And if I had stayed with them, would I have forever known love and contentment? No. Always one or other of us would somehow drive me from their midst, for the way I survived the trials of my life meant that I was never completely a part of them. It was not enough for them, and, though it is callous of me to say so, they could never have been enough for me. Would that Death had taken me, would that I have never known the hurt and shame._

_Would that Death had taken me…_

_But the truth is that, no matter how I strive to keep away, I can never truly abandon those who were once my pack. Theymay not see me, theymay not hear me, and I must be careful that Logan does not scent me, but if I live to see this night through, nothing will stop me going to them. Something pulls me there, a sensation I have not felt for a few long seasons. And if they need me, to my friends and family I will go. I owe them that. No matter how I dream of severing all ties, of being at peace with myself, of casting them from my mind as both packs have cast me out, but it cannot be. We are too closely tied by blood and loyalty for that. Would that Death had taken me so that I might be free of all that I was once a part of but that may never be again._

_Would that Death had taken me…_

_I lay still; bleeding, aching, hurting, dreaming, struggling, wishing, fading… dying. Would that Death would even now come to embrace me, to spare me this exhaustion, this pain, this grief, this emptiness, this shadow-wolf life that cannot sustain me. Would that Death would even now claim what little remains of this sturdy body and fragile mind. But even as the darkness claims me, dragging me down into the deepest of dreamless sleeps, I know that I am cursed to survive, that I will awaken again. The fates and the Ancients have not yet spun their final web for me. Would that Death had taken me, so that I might, at last, be at peace. _

_Would that Death had taken me…_


End file.
